" Male Female Conflict Resolution Strategies "

Welcome back Fellow Tolerance troops,

In this edition we'll explore male-female interpersonal dynamics and conflict resolution stategies. This is some of the most difficult territory we'll cover as male-female relationships can be extremely productive, or they can be highly destructive.

What is even more difficult about these relationships is that they often affect individuals, pets and institutions around them. In fact I'll go even farther and hypothesys that these dynamics affect whole societies. They affect the governing bodies and the laws that form these societies. They even affect the trial and penalty phase of governing societies.  

First, lets start with the way females and males are raised. In almost every society there is a profound difference between how each sex is reared. In most cases the male is raised to be a Mr. fix-it, dominant, ambitious, self reliant, disciplinarian, and the moral compass ( not unlike the priest of the household). He is also encouraged to be a sexual conquerer, even after committing himself to marriage or a monogamus relationship, but never commit himself to someone with the same or more sexual experience than himself. In some societies men may even be allowed to marry more than one woman. Males are trained to be aggressive and battle tested. A constant hunter always thinking strategically about adding to his personal and family wealth.

A female on the other hand is raised to be nurturing, gentle, soft spoken, a good cook, well groomed, a neat homemaker, thin as a rail, intelligent but not intimidatingly so, sexual but virginal or at least know how to give the appearnce of being virginal, submissive and to turn the other cheek metephorically speaking, when men they are married or committed to, engage in sexual encounters with other women. While the female on the other hand is expected to be totally monogamus and act sexually aggressive and experienced in bed. She is expected to keep an eye out for so called good providers. In some societies women are expected to go even further by covering their heads and faces and even using a burka to cover their whole bodies when they are out in public so as not to tempt the wondering eyes of men. Women in these societies risk public beatings if they are not dressed appropriately. In some of these same societies women are not allowed to be educated beyond an elementary education. Woman are also routinely circumcised before puberty in some societies. This is a brutal and inhumane practice that has been going on for many generations. There are also societies that allow and indeed encourage "honor killings" These murders of women are often committed by the father or her eldest brother as retribution for his daughter having a consentual sexual relationship with a male outside of marriage. 

Let's put the facts out on the table as they exist today. Many conflicts that are taking place around the globe right now have there genesis in the male species interpretation of how females are perceived and interact with in that society, with domination and subjugation being the primary goal. 

Where did all this begin and why have many societies still not recognized that a female can be aggressive, ambitious, dominant, strategically inclined, and sexually aggressive, just as much as a male can be gentle , nurturing, soft spoken, a good cook, a neat homemaker, and a monogamus lover inside marriage or a committed relationship. 

After the basic primitive human instincts of the male being the hunter and the female being the gatherer You will recall that in a previous episode my mentioning humans venturing out of Africa to all parts of the world and establishing their own unique customs and institutions. These customs evolved on both sides of the human divide.

The more developed the societies the more ingrained the customs became. Then came ( here comes the controversial part ) organized religions. At first these religions were neopagan and based on earth based duotheistic worship, such as worship of the land trees and mountains. There are many ancient paintings depicted of this kind of worship in caves and archeolgical sites all over the world. This religion had a god and a goddess. They are currently know as Wiccans. But have been referred to by western theologans as witches

More advanced civilizations such as the Greeks and Egyptians developed polytheistic worship and a written language which started to distinguish between good magic and their deities, and bad magic and their deities. These good and bad gods were further refined by the Roman Empire. Buddhism which began in India around 2500 years ago is based upon 4 basic principals of enlightenment and generally regect the western theory of a supreme being, has evolved into many different sects and belief systems which scholars still today are unsure if it is aetheistic, polytheistic or a combination of both. 

Around 7000 years ago A group of people called Hebrews who were known by the Torah as "Goy" or nation [ not in the current sense of nation but in the in the sense of a common heritage and future ]. The Jewish nation are all the spiritual or physical descendents of the  "Patriarch Jacob" who was renamed Israel.  In Judaism actions are far more important than belief, however there are widely accepted beliefs within the jewish culture articulated by the medieval rabbi and scholar Rambam's 13 principals of faith. The first 5 are that 1. G_d exists, 2. G_d is one and unique, 3. G_d is in corporeal, 4. G_d is eternal, 5. Prayer is to be directed to G_d alone and to no other. Technically though because there are so many tenants of Judaism it cannot be called strictly Monotheistic.

Then a major revolution started in what is now Palestine with the birth of Jesus Christ and the practice of a form of Monotheism called the "Trinity" started to spread across the Middle East, Rome, North Africa, and Turkey via the disciples of a man who was said to have transcended death and gave his life to save the world. Over the next thousand years many texts and of the life of Jesus were written and debated until the full text of the old and new testaments were chosen by the leadership of the holy church. This Document was called the Bible. Christian Nations used this document and the Leadership of the Catholic Church to codify their laws.    

Some 600 years later an unlettered prophet born in Mecca around 570 C.E. named Muhammed married a widow at the age of 25 named Khadija, who was involved in the trade business and around 40 on one of his trade missions the angel Gabriel appeared to him and revealed to him the teachings of God. When he returned home to his wife he started to teach these revelations to others. His followers were called Muslims and his teachings were referred to as Islam which in Arabic means "Surrender" [to the will of Allah] and these teaching were recorded in a book called the Qur' an.  Over the next several hundred years the laws of Islam called Shariah were codified and became the basis for all laws in islamic nations. One could argue that Islam is the only truly Monotheistic religion.

The result of this religious and secular immersion is that interpersonal dynamics between men and woman became highly complex and extremely regulated. Indviduals who did not quite fit into these religious and secular molds either willingly or unwillingly, were labeled evil or sinful or somehow controlled by the devil. They have been, and are in most cases still being stigmatized by their non-acceptance of local societal norms. Secular Laws are codified to punish some localized " deviant behavior" and many of these independent thinkers were imprisoned and some have been killled because of their differing beliefs or lifestyles. 

This is not only true for interpersonal dynamics between men and women but between nations as well. There are on going conflicts wich have killed or displaced hundreds of thousands of people right now, that have their basis on the principals we have been discussing.

So let's move on to how we can resolve many of these conflicts between men and women.

One way is to learn how to become more empathetic towards others and by developing and normalizing a worldwide peace curriculum that would begin at the earliest stages of learning. This curriculum could take into account other cultures without demonizing any culture and build into it a wide variety of empathy developing pathways. This would be especially helpful in building a more fundamentally equal view between males and females

As we grow and become young adults we start to look for potential long term mates. I propose a more widely distributed active listening curriculum be developed so that we can learn about the support systems and the belief systems of the person we are considering a relationship [ even a physical relationship ] with.

Even if such a curriculum is not ever developed active listening is the key to a long term and healthy relationship. If you are interrupted while you are trying to make what you consider a valid point , you become demoralized and feel devalued because you feel that the other person is not actively engaged in your feelings. 

Conversely if you are not actively listening but only waiting to respond, you are telling the other person that they are not valuable enough to be heard. You are trying to one-up the other person and invalidate their opinions. 

Another way we can diffuse male /female conflicts is to learn and develope the habit of the "pressure pause" . This is simply a method of not instantly responding to an intense one way diatribe by either the male or the female. 

Humor can be an effective method of a "pressure pause". So can an intended misdirection or change in the conversation such as an unexpected compliment to the offended party or acquiessance to a major bone of contention. All these methods have the ability to ease the amount of acrimony and provide fuel for a resolution of conflicts.

I think that there is one exception to the "pressure pause" though, and that is to not let any significant time lapse without resolving a conflict. Some people end up going to sleep or leaving the presence of another individual at the height of any perceived discord. With few exceptions this is not an advisable tactic for conflict resolution.  It is much more effective and therapeutic to work through conflict continuosly to its conclusion.

In our next edition we will examine internal conflict. Some of its causitive reasons and discuss some possible resolutions.

Yours in Humanity

Phillip Sr.